by I grabbed the steering wheel tightly and tried to stabilize my vibrating hands. The silence in the car was deafening. After 15 years of structured guardianship schemes, everything could change with a single answer from my twin sons.
Because their mother and I broke up when they were 3, our lives were dominated by the courts mandated by the court. The 50/50 Split looked honest on paper, but the reality missed half the lives of my children – their first ride on a bicycle, lost teeth, play dates and countless small moments that many parents take as a matter of course.
Every second Sunday brought the same ritual – packaging bags, which she drove to their mother’s house – followed by the long, quiet ride back to my empty house. The boys, always together, showed remarkable resilience. Even when sports uniforms are left behind or homework in mysterious way between houses, they never complained. But I knew it influenced them; They would hesitate before they made weekend plans, check whose ‘time’ it was or navigating between houses.
During those early years after the various years I would be awake in my empty house, introduce a future for me in which I could live full -time with my children again. I have channeled that hope in action, their rooms renovation to create the perfect space – individual study cooks, gaming setups and space for entertaining friends. I finally remarried, and my second wife, Cecilia, understood my dream and became a loving stepmother and a trusted confidant who helped create a house where the boys could thrive.
Unlike many divorced families, where children eventually get older from detention to the university, our situation in Australia was different. Most university students live here while they go to school. My sons would quickly start their courses, just 15 minutes from both their mother’s house and mine, making their living choice even more important. When they approached 18, their choice where they would live was anxious to me.
Michelle Felder, psychotherapist and founder of Parenting Pathfinders, explains that parents often struggle with fearful thoughts about the choices of their children. She recommends replacing these thoughts with: “Their love for me has not changed; have their needs. It is a good thing that they can be more independent and make more decisions about how they spend their time. “
The transition to adulthood brings unique pressure for children of divorce. Reena B. Patel, a parenting expert and recognized educational certified behavioral analyst, has observed this first hand in her practice.
“This creates stress while they navigate or prioritize their own feelings or those of their parents,” she said. “Young adults often feel torn apart between their desire for independence and their worries about the disappointment of both parents, so that they sometimes let their own needs last.”
That is why Nancy Kislin, therapist, speaker and author, emphasizes the importance of separating our interpretations of reality. “Parents must concentrate on their own feelings instead of interpreting choices such as favoritism,” she explains. “This includes creating open communication lines and regularly checking in with the child about their preferences and experiences.”
Parents can help by paying attention to the needs of their children while staying ground on their own emotional well -being. Parents must acknowledge that the evolving independence of their child does not reflect no lack of love or attention, but growth.
